Hello my beautiful friends!
Life is always calling us into our next evolution. Years can go by and it feels like groundhog day and then suddenly in the space of a few months, nothing about your life is the same.
That’s how it feels here in my world. I feel changed in some elemental way.
I’ve wondered…
Is the slow life still for me?
Am I really an introvert?
What does ‘enough’ mean and do I have it?
Is my capacity and energy limited or have a stepped towards healing?
Do I need a label, a diagnosis, a niche, goals?
Or can I just be?
I’ve found that recently, the things I’m enjoying are so in contrast to what I thought I needed. I used to live in my head, crave solo walks in nature, time to write, read and create. I needed buffers in my diary between events for recovery.
And now. Something is very different.
Years ago, as a burnt out, touched out, overstimulated new mum, I wondered…is it possible to expand my capacity? Will I ever tolerate loud noises again? Will I ever be able to have a full conversation (or want to be near people) again? Will I ever not be ‘triggered’?
I found slow living as I searched for ways to soothe myself. I’ve clung to the things that worked when I was in survival mode. I found comfort and built routines to support me and my family.
Somewhere along the line, we entered a new level of capacity as a family. We’re no longer just getting through each day.
Most recently, I started therapy for c-PTSD which has been an amazing self discovery tool. I’ve learned about my heightened always-on nervous system and learned how to bring myself back down. It has been a revelatory process to observe myself and my patterns.
It explains why I had certain beliefs about myself that aren’t actually true. I always described myself as an introvert, feeling energetically depleted from being around people. What was really going on is my heightened fight or flight response and hyper-vigilance to other peoples moods was exhausting me. Recognising this behaviour has changed my ability to be around people.
I now crave social interaction 10x more than I used to just a few months ago.
I can allow myself to ‘just be me’ around people and when the shame creeps in or the fear of judgement, I remind myself that I am fully worthy and acceptable as I am. It’s so freeing and energising.
For eg. on the weekend I went away for 3 nights with a group of 7 friends to do the Coastrek 30km walk. I had the best time and didn’t have to sneak away for a recharge moment at all. That is a huge shift in my social battery!
I guess Im writing this to record a moment in time when I’ve let go of some long held beliefs about myself. I want you to know that change is possible.
We live in this consistency culture where it feels like we aren’t allowed to really change. But you are allowed to and you can!
Love Rachelle
This is a so interesting Rachel, thanks for sharing, it so helpful to discuss these topics.
I’m only beginning to understand the effects of our past relationships, experiences and or traumas effect our nervous system.
Over the last few years discovering I was HSP was helpful to understanding myself I also believe I am an Ambivert as I need to be alone but I also feel energised around people.
I look forward to hearing more on your journey of self discovery. 🤍