Roly says he knows I’d never cheat on him because I can’t lie. I blush too easily and I’m honest, often to my own detriment.
When I was 8 I found and handed in a $50 note to one of the staff at Jewels groceries who promptly put it in her pocket. We weren’t exactly rolling in it so that $50 was probably a weeks worth of groceries.
On my good days, when I’m believing in the abundant universe, I can see that this way of being has come back around to me tenfold over my life.
On my bad days, when I feel hard done by and taken for granted, I feel an inner anger burning me up. Sometimes I just feel so done with being a good little honest girl. Sometimes I want to be wild, do wild things and feel the rush of aliveness from living in the moment and seizing opportunities.
Sometimes I want to be connected to that limitless feeling of being 18 with all of life’s potential’s ahead of you. Sometimes I want to go back to when I went straight from girl to mother and become a woman first instead.
It was on one of those days that I first had the weird desire to experience what it would be like to lie, or cheat, or steal something. I wanted to know what it felt like to walk out of a shop with things I hadn’t paid for.
I wanted to know what it was like to deceive. Could I keep secrets? Could I use my own trustworthy appearance to get away with a petty crime? Would I be able to overtly lie?
I decided probably not, if it came to it. Which just made me angrier.
So imagine me on that day at Ikea when the opportunity presented itself, casual as that. I was with my kids at the check out and I’d scanned everything in at the self service desk. The total price was about $80 more than I was expecting so I scrolled though to check.
That’s when I realised I’d scanned in two base cupboard units instead of one base unit and one top unit. So I called the attendant over and explained.
He deleted the duplicate item and then walked away. I realised, with a quickened heart, that he wasn’t watching to make sure I scanned in the top unit. Time stopped in that weird way it does when you’re doing a mental calculation.
I’ve spent thousands here over the years
They make millions in profit
You’re not fucking Robin Hood, Rachelle
No one is watching, this is my chance
Think of the consequences, this will come back to bite you
I processed the payment and I walked away without scanning in the top unit. I did it. I stole from Ikea and I smiled at the attendant and thanked him as I walked out.
Well the high didn’t last long did it. Not that it was a high. I actually felt gross. It felt like the wrong kind of deceit.
I’d promised the kids we’d go back up to the restaurant and have meatballs for lunch and when I tried to use my $30 refund voucher to pay, the attendant scratched the code off and invalidated it. And I put a huge scratch in my car loading the base unit box into the boot.
So I guess I’m squared up in a way.
What did I learn?
Being in integrity is so important to me. Doing the right thing when no one is watching is about who I am to myself and I want to know Im a good person. Keeping some of yourself just for you is not the same as lying or stealing. Stealing furniture is not a substitute for having boundaries or standards or for saying no to people or to things you don’t want to do.
Being good is not the same as having integrity, when being good means sacrificing yourself for others.
Rachelle x