It’s Thursday, or maybe it’s still only Wednesday. I don’t know anymore because it’s that lovely week between Christmas and New Year when it doesn’t really matter. It’s my favourite time of year when I can sit back and bask in the glow of a wonderful December, relax, read and do a puzzle. The fridge is full of leftovers so all our meals are sorted for a few days too. Bliss!
My house is currently empty, Roly is off playing golf and my kids are at the cricket nets with friends. So I thought I would sit down to get a head start on a new habit I’m finally hoping to foster this coming year.
Writing.
I’ve spent so long dreaming about being a writer and had so many attempts at doing it without actually doing it - a magazine, a YouTube channel, a podcast, an email newsletter, a slow living course and even this Substack which I started over 6 months ago and have not nurtured anywhere close to the extent that I had planned on doing.
Oh the ways Ive attempted to get out of writing even though it’s the thing I most want to do. The letters I’ve written only in my head. The ideas that have formed only in my head. The storyline’s that I’ve developed only in my head.
The skill of translating those brain-words into written words has eluded me. And if Im being truthful, I only have myself to blame. It’s not like I haven’t had the time. I most certainly have, if I was more efficient and more willing to prioritise the time to write. I even joined a writing group that required one single 500 word piece submitted per month and I still couldn’t achieve that.
Can you relate to any of this? Please say it’s not just me!
So here I am, getting a head start on my new writing habit. I’ve been in a rebel phase the last 12 months where I have unconsciously (on purpose?) not done things I said I would but now I want to try on what it feels like to be consistent. Part of my c-ptsd is chronic procrastination…and that has begun to manifest as rage and frustration towards myself. So it’s time to make myself proud. I’m sick of my own BS!
Im hoping to write daily and then post here at least twice weekly, mostly in the ‘free’ section of the feed for everyone to be able to read. If you haven’t seen some of my previous posts, I’m working on a fiction about a woman named Jemima. She’s going to experience the same sorts of things that we all do, as mid life mothers (30-50 year olds).
My plan is to write her story and use that story to illustrate where it might be useful to reflect on your own life, hopefully helping you to discover how to make changes when needed too. Sort of like self-help fiction. If I post one of Jemima’s stories and then one post covering more about the story that should work really nicely. I’ll experiment with it through January and go from there!
Now I did want to mention, because a version of this question has come up a few times in conversations lately…
“How do I ensure my children will want to spend Christmas with me/ maintain a relationship with me when they are adults, if I’m struggling with the relationship with my parents?”
It’s a real concern for a lot of people around this time of year, including me. I’m currently no-contact with my own mum and have been for most of my adult life but most intentionally over the last 5 years. Many of us have tricky family dynamics or even just simply feel torn about how to share yourself around between all the various family members near and far. As my kids are getting older we are also feeling the pull to stay closer to home and reduce our interstate travel. It really is a fine balance.
Anyway, to my ‘life coach’ answer.
Hard truth: you have to do the inner healing work now to accept that your children are not responsible for your feelings and emotions at Christmas or any time of year. You have to grow yourself up so that you can be healthy, open relationships with your children.
It’s inevitable that your children will one day feel the pull between spending Christmas with you or their partners side of the family each year. If you have loving, open communication with them throughout the year then there will be less emotion attached to whether your family traditions are upheld at Christmas. You will always be their parent.
If this is emotionally charged for you, perhaps it’s worth looking at how you feel about the dynamic with your own parents. Do you feel obligated to keep them happy? Do you feel that you can’t get things right and nothing you do seems to please them? Does it feel like it’s never enough? Do you feel repelled by this? In what way is your parent pleasing behaviour currently teaching your kids what is going to be expected of them when they are adults? How can you model this differently?
Take time to reflect on that and ask yourself, do you want your children to feel this way about you? What work would be required from you to ensure this cycle is broken and you can nurture open, healthy relationships with your children and perhaps to even heal the current dynamic with your parents or other family members? Or at least make peace with how it is and doing what you need to do without the guilt or shame.
Remember this is not a case of either full submission to parent pleasing or being fully selfish. This is about creating boundaries - or a limit to what Is acceptable for you to give and what you require in return. There is usually a middle ground.
I find with most relationship issues that the solution is not the opposite of the problem but somewhere adjacent to it.
I’m really looking forward to what will evolve in this space in 2024! Enjoy your B’tixtmas and chat very soon,
Rachelle x
Me and my bird friend on Christmas morning. We spent a few days in the rainforest with Rolys mum and a small contingent of family. So different to the norm and such a nice way to do things!
You're definitely not alone lovely. I even procrastinate writing music and other things I enjoy. In fact this very "symptom" was what led to me to realise I'm ADHD. I've got c-PTSD too, but realising I'm ADHD helped me manage my procrastination so much better. It's still hard but easier than it was. Happy Btwixtmas. Hope 2024 brings you lots of fulfilment and joy 🥰
Your honesty and humanness is always so refreshing. Enjoy these in between days and I look forward to reading more of your writing in the new year 💖