On Generosity: Never Not Depleted

How to be generous when you’ve got nothing left to give

When I first became a mother it felt like all my capacity to think about, or do, anything other than mothering drained away. I forgot how to have conversations. I answered questions but couldn’t think of any to ask. I saw people but couldn’t remember how to be with them. I knew the world was happening outside of my bubble but I forgot how to show I cared.

I wasn’t depressed, I was depleted. This is a concept I learned from Amy Taylor-Kabbaz during my Matrescence training with her. I loved the early years and still find myself mourning the passing of that sweet time with my babies.

Something from that time which stands out to me was that I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t even really know I needed help or what kind of help would have helped! I felt guilty that I wasn’t really able to be there for others either.

It seemed to me that I would always be in a kind of survival mode limbo. I dreamed of one day having more capacity for things other than motherhood again.

So this year, instead of choosing a theme word for the year in the usual way, I decided to choose a concept to explore. Generosity.

I want to work through all the aspects of this word.

What does it mean to be generous? Where is the line between generosity and a lack of boundaries? What does it take to receive generosity? Who gets to be generous? How can I be more generous than feels comfortable? What even is generosity, really? How does it apply to business, relationships, myself? What else does it relate to and impact?

I feel there is so much to learn and explore about this word. So let’s start with answering a quick question.

How do you be generous when you have nothing left to give?

Well the short answer is, you don’t.

There is generosity in receiving.

Part of generosity is allowing others to be helpful to you. At certain times in your life, you might have to learn to receive support. Which is complicated for me, I have PTSD and part of that is a tendency to hyper-independence. Nonetheless, allowing others to be generous with you is generosity reciprocated.

The longer answer is that I think we need to look at what generosity actually is. What do you think it means?

Here’s What I’ve Learned About Generosity So Far

In our culture of individualism, we’ve come to unconsciously interpret that to be generous means we have to give away or share our money, as if it’s the only, or highest resource we have.

That’s how far gone we are.

Generosity under capitalism is a mono-culture.

We think of resources as cash and assets. I think it serves us to expand this view.

Our resources can also include our time, attention, presence, knowledge, energy, space/shelter, food, connections and contacts, cultural wisdom, privilege and common lands.

We can share those things too, giving them generously when we can. And it will often not cost us much in monetary terms.

Thinking of generosity in this way shows me that we have a lot more to give than you might first think.

Generosity is also

• Trusting that we have enough

• Gratitude for people to share with

• A mindset for how we think and act

• Love

• How we sustain each other

My ability to be generous is directly linked to my ability to have boundaries. It’s not about being selfless but in being sure of who you are and what you have to give.

Generosity is the heart of the village life we all crave

We’ve created a society where you must above all things, focus on creating financial abundance to be safe.

We collectively benefits from people having a wide range of skills. Our artists, writers, scientists, creatives, deep thinkers, carers, nurturers, healers, inventors and makers have all had to figure out one thing.

How to monetise.

And our society is poorer for it.

Some vocations are not meant to be about how much you earn, they’re meant to be in service to others. Eg politicians, clergy and those above were historically not about the money but the calling.

And in return, we collectively take care of each other.

The Theory Of Infinite Pies

I’ve noticed there are two ways of thinking about life.

One is when we assume there is only one pie and we all have to share it. This is where jealousy, greed and hoarding come to play. The other is when we assume that each of us has our own pie.

Now we do need to account for the impact of social inequity here. Everybody has a different sized pie and that is unfair. I can’t allow myself to stay in this thought for too long though. The guilt of having a bigger pie than others does nothing for my ability to be of service or to help change the way the pies are made.

How I’m Being Generous Now

One of my goals with my business is to be generous with my clients. I’m exploring what that looks like but so far it’s things like sending gifts, additional resources and keeping my prices lower.

Generous with myself means giving myself time to be creative and practice self kindness.

Generous with my thoughts about others and their intentions, which is really good for my own mind too. Less assumptions and more direct conversations.

Generous with my attention. I’m giving more than likes and hearts to content creators that I love, I leave comments, share their work or subscribe. I’m making myself available for my children when they need me. I’m listening to my friends when they need to talk.

A Final Thought For Now

Like many things, it seems that generosity lives on a cycle. There is a time for giving and a time for receiving. A time for going inward to recoup what’s been given and a time to harvest the rewards. It’s also a spectrum as we all have different types and amounts of resources. Those of us who have less money seem to give more time, and I wonder which causes the other.

If you are feeling depleted, lost or lonely and it feels like you have nothing much to give, try starting with a smile or a friendly hello. Notice that the smile you get back has a ripple effect on your life. That’s where it started for me and then I moved on to saying hello.

That’s how we create our village even in places where it feels like there isn’t one and that is how we change our lives.