January was an emotionally and mentally hard month for me. Here’s a little backstory as to why I think that might be and what I’m doing to get my zest back.
It really shouldn’t have been because it was summer holidays and we had the best December in the lead up to Christmas. I just felt depleted. The weather probably had something to do with it too as it’s been a stinking hot and rainy summer. When it’s too hot to go outside, it makes me miserable.
Have you ever heard of S.A.D.? Seasonal Affective Disorder typically describes the low mood that comes with long, dark winters in the Northern Hemisphere. I really do wonder if it’s possible to have a similar thing happen in the scorching hot summers we have here in Australia.
This year we turned the ducted air conditioning on and left it on for well over a month straight which means all the windows and doors are closed up and I feel claustrophobic.
The humidity and rain has meant my new veggie garden just smells of rot. Everywhere does actually. It’s a real stench and it’s not pleasant to be out there at the moment, even when it cools off in the evening.
The bug life has thrived though. There lots of interesting crickets, beetles, grubs and caterpillars of all kinds, which of course eat the whole garden up and I haven’t had much of a harvest since before Christmas. Just adding to my miserable feelings seeing all my loving hard work go to literal rot. Another lesson to learn from the seasonality of gardening I guess!
I’m not great at being home for long stretches and it felt like that’s exactly what the kids needed after a busy end of year. They were content at home and didn’t really seem enthusiastic about doing anything I suggested (they were dealing with their own heat-based exhaustion, in hindsight) which made me feel trapped. I know there’s some buddist and slow living lessons about accepting what is and embracing the discomfort of rest in that. Ah life, it’s often a mystery.
A beginners mind, beginning again
I learned about the concept of beginners mind from my coaching trainer Julie Parker about 10 years ago and I have applied it to so much ever since. Using the concept of beginners mind is to choose to go into any scenario, especially as it relates to education or conflict, with the idea that you can learn something new, even if you are already considered an expert on the subject or have experience dealing with it.
Here’s how I’ve applied it to this rut I’ve found myself in.
I started to think maybe I needed a new career challenge.
Maybe a new career pivot? Or new exercise goals? Something to add a sense of purpose and potential to my life.
I called my old university about the potential of going back to study again. I begun working on my resume with a view to finding a job. I spoken to Roly about working more in our business. I really explored all the options for starting on a new path to open up the options. I think this is a major step in manifesting that a lot of people miss, you have to go out and be available for opportunities to find you.
After a few weeks, I landed on enrolling in TAFE to do a Cert IV in bookkeeping and accounting. It’s part of the fee-free TAFE initiative and I’ll be studying 2 nights a week. Now I did do some accounting subjects at university so it’s not completely new to me. I also have worked in finance and purchasing departments in some big companies and I do all the bookkeeping for our own business but I just felt that I could refresh my skills and take the beginners mind approach to becoming more confident in this area.
With my career confidence at an all time low, I thought that the refresher on the basic accounting principles is the perfect way to inject some energy back into my life. From the first lecture I realised that I needed to take the beginners mind approach because the content was familiar.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you know something and then become disengaged. I’m choosing the opposite. Im going all in, attending the classes live as much as I can, asking questions and engaging in the chat (it’s all done on zoom).
I remember really struggling with credits and debits. Something I could never really master at uni or in the workplace has finally landed in my brain, simply by choosing to learn it again from scratch.
Joining a cult gym
I’ve never been one for gyms. In my 20s I felt too embarrassed about not knowing what I was doing and not being very good at it, I stopped going weeks into a new membership every time. I decided gyms are just not for me and so Pilates and walking in the outdoors has been my go-to. Until now.
A couple of my girlfriends have been going to this place for a while and had asked me if I’d join to which I always said no. Then when my walking buddy Sue asked if I’d be interested in joining too, I was surprised that my immediate reaction wasn’t no. It was maybe.
That’s all I needed. Maybe it’s because Im 38 now, which is like the 20 year anniversary of being an adult. Whatever the reason, I thought it can’t hurt to try. So about 3 weeks ago I went to my first class. It was the right kind of hard.
I definitely had to swallow my pride and leave my shame at the door. I needed to access that part of me thats ok with being new and bad at something. Beginners mind has served me well as I’m serving my gym apprenticeship. I’m learning the names of moves, postures, positions and how to do them. I thought RDL was a drink I swore off when I was a teenager. Ha! Either way, Im surprised by how much I enjoy it.
I just want to feel healthy and energetic. I exercise to help me sleep, feel comfortable and pain free in daily life. To be able to sit at my desk for as long as I need to without getting a migraine. To play with the kids. To keep my mood in balance.
Committing to Writing Wednesdays
So now my diary is much more full than it has been over the last 8 years. I’ve had to create a structure to my days and weeks and commit time to all the things I want to do. No more popping to do groceries whenever I need to. That has to be planned for, which is no bad thing!
I’ve wanted to cultivate a daily writing practice for years. It’s the one thing I haven’t been able to figure out how to do. None of the hacks work. No amount of goal setting or productivity planning or joining writing groups have worked. It’s all just felt like more pressure and I don’t seem to cope well with pressure.
Which is very interesting that now, instead of trying to scale back my diary so there’s ample time to write, my writing time is limited! And guess what? Ive been sneaking in writing time! I’ve allocated myself a 2 hour block on Wednesdays to do some creative writing for here on Substack and also my fiction (which I will be sharing pieces of here too). Buuut Ive been writing so much more than just those 2 hours Ive allowed myself.
I’ve finally cracked the code of my writing practice. If I tell myself I dont have time to write, I’ll rebel against that and do it anyway. Reverse psychology haha. Got me! I find this so hilariously funny.
Skincare is self care
I spoke a lot back in my podcasting days about how self care for mums is so much more than massages and chocolate cake, it’s finding time for rest. And I do believe that’s true, especially for new mums who feel the frustrated rage of not being able to do anything by themselves.
So I allowed myself to just not have a nighttime routine for a long long time. Until this January when I felt that my whole life needed a renovation. With all this extra sweat from the summer humidity and gym workouts, I’ve noticed more painful breakouts. So I decided than now I’m a very-organised-weekly-schedule person, I can also be a night time routine person.
I got myself some lovely treat skincare from Sunday Riley and now I do my whole skincare routine every night. I’m prepared to eat my words over how delicious it is to take the time to end the day in this way.
So who knows, maybe I took the ‘keep lots of white space in your diary’ slow living thing just a little too far? I will say that at this point in time, I feel that the added logistics of our family schedule is energising me.
Could it be that I’m reaching a level of burnout recovery where I’ve accumulated energy resources in reserve? Is that why I felt so trapped by being stuck inside at home during January?
Cautiously, I step out into the world, and I think I’m really ready for this next phase in my motherhood and life’s journey.
Rachelle x
A little push in the right direction! Loved this update Rachelle. Your honestly is so refreshing - growth, change and reflection!
Such lovely and relatable reflections. Loved reading this update